The Statement

I haven't posted in a long time. I think this is because I have been afraid of my own thoughts. But I have now decided to vomit them up on the screen for the world and myself to see. These thoughts may make me completely unpopular amongst some of my friends but I think it's time to stand up for my beliefs and to battle with them at the same time.

I have recently renounced and repented from some activities that I have always struggled with for the better part of my life. I gave in and allowed myself to be consumed by sex, alcohol, and self loathing because it was comfortable. Yes, it ate me up inside and outside but it was familiar to me and what is familiar is comfortable. It's kind of like that old couch that's falling apart, looks like a designers horrific nightmare, and has a slight smell to it that no one can quite identify and yet sitting in it brings backs memories and for some reason is comfortable. I know, that was probably a bad analogy but I think you get the jist. However, I still battle with those temptations and sometimes give in. The difference now is I repent and try again and I am not doing this on my own. I have help from loved ones and God. There I said it. God.... I said it again. Not Buddah or muhamed or any other god but the one and only God. This is the point where I may lose some of you from my life. But I have made the choice that come what may in this world I will not let go of God no matter how hard it is or how battered or bruised I may become or how much I have to struggle. " I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back." I will no longer hide it. I will no longer compromise my faith to fit in. I WILL NOT REMAIN SILENT!!! HE LOVES ME AS HIS DAUGHTER AND I LOVE HIM AS MY FATHER!!!! I was made strange and I now will live even stranger.

:: Deep breath:: I love you all but I love Him more.

Now, I am not saying that I "have arrived". Nope, far from it. I have just begun. And just like a child learning to walk I will make mistakes, fall down, and have some injuries but I am not doing it in my own power but through Christ who strengthens me and I will not back down.

Awhile ago I stated that I was gay. I have made the decision to turn away from that. "So are you saying you believe it's wrong?" Look, I know what the Bible says and I see how it may have been some how messed up in translating it into English. Basically, i see both sides of the argument. I have made the decision that at this moment I will not stand on either side of that fence. Right now I am stepping away from the issue and God and I will deal with that situation down the road. I think it's the least of my worries at this moment in time. However, if you are one of my friends that is gay and is reading this I love you for who you are and that will never change but I am sorry .... I just don't know right now. That is all I will say on the subject.

I needed this to be officially said. I am sorry if this is a little blunt and raw but if you are going to remain in my life you need to know that according to the world's standards my views will be placed under the fundamentalist/extremist column and I won't turn from them. I will still love you no matter where you are in your life because God knows and a few other people) I am by no means perfect and I have messed up badly.

If no one ever reads this except myself I am okay with that. I now know that I can make the public statement and pray that I continue to do so. And God knows it too and he's the one that truly counts.

Thank you..... and Thank you God for not giving up on this stubborn, rebelious woman who you are changing for your glory. Amen.