I haven't posted in a long time. I think this is because I have been afraid of my own thoughts. But I have now decided to vomit them up on the screen for the world and myself to see. These thoughts may make me completely unpopular amongst some of my friends but I think it's time to stand up for my beliefs and to battle with them at the same time.
I have recently renounced and repented from some activities that I have always struggled with for the better part of my life. I gave in and allowed myself to be consumed by sex, alcohol, and self loathing because it was comfortable. Yes, it ate me up inside and outside but it was familiar to me and what is familiar is comfortable. It's kind of like that old couch that's falling apart, looks like a designers horrific nightmare, and has a slight smell to it that no one can quite identify and yet sitting in it brings backs memories and for some reason is comfortable. I know, that was probably a bad analogy but I think you get the jist. However, I still battle with those temptations and sometimes give in. The difference now is I repent and try again and I am not doing this on my own. I have help from loved ones and God. There I said it. God.... I said it again. Not Buddah or muhamed or any other god but the one and only God. This is the point where I may lose some of you from my life. But I have made the choice that come what may in this world I will not let go of God no matter how hard it is or how battered or bruised I may become or how much I have to struggle. " I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back." I will no longer hide it. I will no longer compromise my faith to fit in. I WILL NOT REMAIN SILENT!!! HE LOVES ME AS HIS DAUGHTER AND I LOVE HIM AS MY FATHER!!!! I was made strange and I now will live even stranger.
:: Deep breath:: I love you all but I love Him more.
Now, I am not saying that I "have arrived". Nope, far from it. I have just begun. And just like a child learning to walk I will make mistakes, fall down, and have some injuries but I am not doing it in my own power but through Christ who strengthens me and I will not back down.
Awhile ago I stated that I was gay. I have made the decision to turn away from that. "So are you saying you believe it's wrong?" Look, I know what the Bible says and I see how it may have been some how messed up in translating it into English. Basically, i see both sides of the argument. I have made the decision that at this moment I will not stand on either side of that fence. Right now I am stepping away from the issue and God and I will deal with that situation down the road. I think it's the least of my worries at this moment in time. However, if you are one of my friends that is gay and is reading this I love you for who you are and that will never change but I am sorry .... I just don't know right now. That is all I will say on the subject.
I needed this to be officially said. I am sorry if this is a little blunt and raw but if you are going to remain in my life you need to know that according to the world's standards my views will be placed under the fundamentalist/extremist column and I won't turn from them. I will still love you no matter where you are in your life because God knows and a few other people) I am by no means perfect and I have messed up badly.
If no one ever reads this except myself I am okay with that. I now know that I can make the public statement and pray that I continue to do so. And God knows it too and he's the one that truly counts.
Thank you..... and Thank you God for not giving up on this stubborn, rebelious woman who you are changing for your glory. Amen.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
7/6/10
I have gotten the chance to share some talk time with a gentleman that comes to the store that I work at. It has been a very interesting experience getting to hear his thoughts that have ranged from superficial to very deep. The other day he turned the conversation on me and stated that we as humans really don't need each other, we are the ones that drive ourselves. I quickly declared that i only agreed with half of his statement. I do believe that we have to believe in and love ourselves to truly to succeed in this life. No one can do it for you. However, there are days where I need a little bit of a boost. My friend David describes it as "propping me up where I am sagging". There are two ways to take that. One is the that boost that I stated a couple lines ago. This need is temporary. These are the days where mentaly or physicaly we are just not up to par. The other way is permenant. We all have strengths and weaknesses and not everyone contains the same ones. Take a buissness for instance. There are people who are great at the administrative aspects but not really good at the selling part or dealing with the public. And there are people who are horrible administrators but obviously have the skill to deal with people. We all need one another. We are only a piece of the puzzle and not the entire puzzle it's self as we sometimes would like to believe
It is the easiest thing to admit our strengths. The weaknesses, not so much. Sometimes it seems easier to dig our heals in and announce to the world that it is not a weakness. Our pride is satisfied and that's all that matters. But to truly grow as a person we need to let go of our pride and let someone help us. When I was in college I took a position as a Note Taker to make some sort of money. The position was to go into another class that I was not taking and take notes for someone with a learning dissability or a physical one. Usually, it was the first of the two. Most of the time I didn't know who the student was but there were the special exceptions when the student would decide to tell me because they trusted me. When I took that position they never warned me that I would at times play therapist. One day one of the students came up and expressed to me how he felt stupid and inferior for needing a note taker. Having the chance to get to know him before this conversation I knew that he was far from that. He was amazing with his hands. He had shown me the car that he was rebuilding and it took my breath away. He also was an accomplished carpenter at a young age but he just had a hard time with academics. Thankfully I came up with the way to explain it to him that he could understand. I asked him to pretend that he was building something and was using some sort of power tool (my knowledge of tools is limited to a hammer, screw driver, screws and nails so please bare with me). Now the tool had an old battery that would do the job but it would take extra time and be slightly frustrating. While at work someone goes by and offers him a brand new, never been used, fully charged battery. I then asked him what would he do? He looked at me like I had just grown another head and answered that he would take the battery. Well, would you feel bad about taking it? He again answered no and the realized what I was trying to tell him. My help was just giving him the boost he needed. He was still doing the work but was just taking advantage of the help offered to him do it better and there was nothing wrong with that.
So all that fluff to say that there is nothing wrong with being who you are. That includes your strengths and weaknesses. It's what you do with them that shows the world the true you.
It is the easiest thing to admit our strengths. The weaknesses, not so much. Sometimes it seems easier to dig our heals in and announce to the world that it is not a weakness. Our pride is satisfied and that's all that matters. But to truly grow as a person we need to let go of our pride and let someone help us. When I was in college I took a position as a Note Taker to make some sort of money. The position was to go into another class that I was not taking and take notes for someone with a learning dissability or a physical one. Usually, it was the first of the two. Most of the time I didn't know who the student was but there were the special exceptions when the student would decide to tell me because they trusted me. When I took that position they never warned me that I would at times play therapist. One day one of the students came up and expressed to me how he felt stupid and inferior for needing a note taker. Having the chance to get to know him before this conversation I knew that he was far from that. He was amazing with his hands. He had shown me the car that he was rebuilding and it took my breath away. He also was an accomplished carpenter at a young age but he just had a hard time with academics. Thankfully I came up with the way to explain it to him that he could understand. I asked him to pretend that he was building something and was using some sort of power tool (my knowledge of tools is limited to a hammer, screw driver, screws and nails so please bare with me). Now the tool had an old battery that would do the job but it would take extra time and be slightly frustrating. While at work someone goes by and offers him a brand new, never been used, fully charged battery. I then asked him what would he do? He looked at me like I had just grown another head and answered that he would take the battery. Well, would you feel bad about taking it? He again answered no and the realized what I was trying to tell him. My help was just giving him the boost he needed. He was still doing the work but was just taking advantage of the help offered to him do it better and there was nothing wrong with that.
So all that fluff to say that there is nothing wrong with being who you are. That includes your strengths and weaknesses. It's what you do with them that shows the world the true you.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
06/30/10
Thoughts are something that are very important. They reflect who you are and where your concerns lay. They really are, sometimes, hard to share. Sometimes it's the fact that you can't put them in to understandable words. But alot of times it will allow someone deeper, let them know the true you. Once in awhile a person comes along who , somehow slips quickly an easily through your defenses. I have one of those friends who scares me, frustrates me, and whom I absolutly admire. But those people are rare.
Today I had a friend look at me, slightly frustrated and ask me why I wouldn't truly give him my thoughts. I was reminded how no one could know me until I spilled my thoughts. Then from there I had other friends that attempted to get into my thoughts and I had to let them, no matter how hard I wanted to fight them.
This is how we grow. I will never say it's easy but it will bring us to the parts that we find painful and help us deal with them. But then again we need to be careful who we let in. I believe that is the hardest part. Not everyone is rotten but not everyone is honest and it's not always easy to figure out who is who. That brings us back to our true friends. We do no have to do all this alone. We do have to do the discerning and growing without a support system. It's possible to do it with out one but it's alot harder and not as much fun. They will make you laugh at your mistakes and you will do the same in return.
Not sure if I completly like this post but its something that is something we have to deal with.
Today I had a friend look at me, slightly frustrated and ask me why I wouldn't truly give him my thoughts. I was reminded how no one could know me until I spilled my thoughts. Then from there I had other friends that attempted to get into my thoughts and I had to let them, no matter how hard I wanted to fight them.
This is how we grow. I will never say it's easy but it will bring us to the parts that we find painful and help us deal with them. But then again we need to be careful who we let in. I believe that is the hardest part. Not everyone is rotten but not everyone is honest and it's not always easy to figure out who is who. That brings us back to our true friends. We do no have to do all this alone. We do have to do the discerning and growing without a support system. It's possible to do it with out one but it's alot harder and not as much fun. They will make you laugh at your mistakes and you will do the same in return.
Not sure if I completly like this post but its something that is something we have to deal with.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Pappass: I'm not retarded anymore.
Tom Warshaw: Oh really?
Pappass: Really.
Tom Warshaw: When did that happen?
Pappass: 1984. Sometime in the spring. I went from retard to mentally handicapped. And then in 1987-88, I went from handicapped to challenged. I changed again. I'm probably changing right now. Who knows what I'll be next?
This is a quote from the movie The House of D. I have been told I have a Borderline Personality Disorder, then am a Chronic Depressive, then a Functional Depressive, and lastly possibly have Bipolar Disorder with depressive tendencies. Like Pappass I have "changed". But just like him no matter how my labels change I am still the same. Just a girl with a million thoughts racing through her head at any time that can make her happy, scared, or depressed. But I do have a tendency to be deeply depressed to the point I am consumed with it. However, it is what it is. Why do we have to be obbsessed with putting a label on it? Is it our desire to put something in it's proper place? Maybe it's our desire to understand something? Or maybe it can tell us to what is safe and what isn't? But is that healthy? Maybe it helps figure to who we are, which seems to drive us to many things.
Well, hello there, you're still reading! Let me tell you the purpose of this real quick while I have your attention. I have decided to put out my random thoughts and experinces for the world to read and comment on. I hope to grow through this ( by seeing my thoughts infront of me) and maybe share a nugget of wisdom with you, or if nothing else make you laugh. I cannot promise it will always make sense or fluid, however, I will promise to be honest and will not hold back from you. Thank you for reading my first post and hope you will come back and see me again.
Tom Warshaw: Oh really?
Pappass: Really.
Tom Warshaw: When did that happen?
Pappass: 1984. Sometime in the spring. I went from retard to mentally handicapped. And then in 1987-88, I went from handicapped to challenged. I changed again. I'm probably changing right now. Who knows what I'll be next?
This is a quote from the movie The House of D. I have been told I have a Borderline Personality Disorder, then am a Chronic Depressive, then a Functional Depressive, and lastly possibly have Bipolar Disorder with depressive tendencies. Like Pappass I have "changed". But just like him no matter how my labels change I am still the same. Just a girl with a million thoughts racing through her head at any time that can make her happy, scared, or depressed. But I do have a tendency to be deeply depressed to the point I am consumed with it. However, it is what it is. Why do we have to be obbsessed with putting a label on it? Is it our desire to put something in it's proper place? Maybe it's our desire to understand something? Or maybe it can tell us to what is safe and what isn't? But is that healthy? Maybe it helps figure to who we are, which seems to drive us to many things.
Well, hello there, you're still reading! Let me tell you the purpose of this real quick while I have your attention. I have decided to put out my random thoughts and experinces for the world to read and comment on. I hope to grow through this ( by seeing my thoughts infront of me) and maybe share a nugget of wisdom with you, or if nothing else make you laugh. I cannot promise it will always make sense or fluid, however, I will promise to be honest and will not hold back from you. Thank you for reading my first post and hope you will come back and see me again.
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